But, I WANT it!

>

I struggle with jealousy. I hate to admit that, because I have never in my life gone without. I have lots of things, great friends, and I go to a great college with tons of fantastic opportunities for me to expand my horizons and learn cool stuff! I know Christ, and I know that He died so that I might live. And yet, I always want MORE than He is giving me at the current time.

The problem is that my hunger is based on what I see in others’ lives, not based on my own desire to grow. I want to be closer to the Lord, but not for the right reasons.: I see how others view the women of God that I look up to, and I want to be seen in that same way. I want to be fitter, but not because it would benefit my body in the long run to avoid Yogurt Pump more than once a week or make my mile time faster. I want to run faster because I know girls that can outrun the boys, that can do a 5k in less than 22 minutes, and that have more defined leg muscles than I do. I want a relationship, but not necessarily because it is what God is calling me for right now, but because others are getting engaged and I feel left out.

Jealousy, according to an article or something I read recently, is actually a result of pride though…and that is why I’m writing about this. I don’t think I had ever really made that connection before, which points out how completely lacking in profundity my thinking about theology is. Pride is the ultimate sin, the reason that Eve felt she ‘ought’ to possess all the knowledge of good and evil that God did, the reason that we lack reverence for Christ’s sacrifice, and so much more. Pride is that sense of entitlement that leads us to question God’s authority to demand our singular devotion, to grow frustrated with His timing, because we oh-so-obviously know ‘better’ than He does (think about that for a minute…yea). Pride is that nagging little voice in the back of my head that looks at the girl with the boy and says, I’m skinnier, I’m better with kids, I’m an awesome girlfriend and she doesn’t even cook for him!

And then I realize that it is NOT a race.

That God has a unique plan for each one of us, that is perfectly suited to our individual needs and abilities.

That He knows the hairs on my head and the desires of my heart.

That He loves ME too, and that that is ENOUGH.

And that I don’t deserve Jack Squat on any of my own merits…because even those are gifts from Him that are to be used for His glory and to honor His name.

My life is not my own.

Out of the depths, I cry to You, O Lord;

O Lord, hear my voice.

Let Your ears be attentive,

To my cry for mercy.

If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins,

Who could stand?

But with You, there is forgiveness;

Therefore You are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

And in His word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord,

More than the watchmen wait for the morning,

More than the watchmen wait for the morning.

O Daughter, put your hope in the Lord,

For with the Lord is unfailing love,

And with Him is full redemption.

He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Psalm 130

He has come and redeemed us from our sins. REJOICE, and put your hope in Him.

And yes, I added the bold to the words that stuck out to me as I’ve been going over this lately J