Thinking Out Loud

the beauty

2011-02-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

the beauty of the Gospel is that it is the same every day.

the beauty of love is that it grows.

the beauty of the sun is that it cancels out the rain.

the beauty of life is that it is a gift.

the beauty of hurt is that it provides a place to come up from.

the beauty of suffering is that there is a God waiting to offer us comfort.

the beauty of humanity is that it glorifies our Creator and His perfection.

the beauty of kids is that they remind you how to laugh.

the beauty of friends is that they are there with open arms and ears.

the beauty of family is that they are morally obliged to love you, and choose to anyways.

the beauty of the Lord is in His grace and mercy, His wisdom, His love, and His Son.

I can almost lick my elbow!

2011-01-24T19:21:00.000-05:00

But not quite. Oh well. I was really excited until I recognized that the elbow only encompasses that scaly weird patch on the back of my arm.

Chronicles of life, lately.

6:30 am. Hear the alarm for the first time. Wish it didn't exist. Remember that I have to be at my internship every day this semester. And that I can make pancakes AND spend time in the Word if I get up right now.

6:40 am. Actually get up.

8 am. Arrive at school. Spend hours walking around asking kids to stop talking. Sneeze a lot.

4 pm. Leave school. Attempt to head home and do work, grade stuff, plan lessons, etc. End up passed out on the bed.

8 pm. Gym time. Exhaustion from the stairmaster leads to great sleep, which means I'm slightly less yawn-y during the day. Maybe.

9 pm. Back to bed.

10 pm. Realize how lame my life is this semester.

7:20 pm, Monday, January 24, 2011. Thank God that He is with me every step of the way, that He chose me to teach the young minds of tomorrow, that He laid out Himself in the beautiful Word, that He died to save my soul, and that even when I feel really lost in life, He is there.

7:21 pm. Thank God He created chocolate chips.

Let's be real

2011-01-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

So a family that I adore (and not just because they're Tarheel fans!) let me borrow the book Abba's Child the last time I stopped by their house. I'm finally getting around to reading it, and I'm sorry that I didn't read it before now. They weren't kidding when they said it was great and a book they often revisit. So far I've read the first two chapters, one about overcoming our fear of our own depravity to give ourselves over to God and facing the impostor self that we present to the world. Both of these have really hit home with me, especially as I work to find out who I am, freed by the grace of God to be the person He created.

I don't know about you, but I'm terrified of facing myself. I've seen my capacity to sin and it's scary. Not like I've been secretly sneaking out at night to kill people in the streets (never watching Lifetime ever again...), but just the rebellion and stubbornness of my heart amaze me. My heart and my soul and my mind want to follow Christ and glorify Him in every way and at every turn, but sometimes I'm just lazy, or I make the wrong choice, or I'm distracted by my own silly whims. When I stop and look at this self that is so deep within me, I'm terrified of the Father, horrified that He might see that self and reject me. But that's just it, He's seen that all along and still adores me. He still thinks I'm beautiful and calls me His and is just waiting for me to recognize that I'm nothing without Him and His grace.

Then there's the face we put on for the world, and even for ourselves. Like a face full of makeup, we hide behind our masks to avoid confronting our issues. Except, it's like the line around someone's face who is wearing the absolute wrong color foundation, you can see that it doesn't match up. My public face has changed over the years, morphed along with what my desires are, but somewhere deep inside of me is still my heart, filled with longing for acceptance and unconditional love. If I'm not showing that heart to myself, those around me, and even the Lord, then how will I ever experience real unconditional love? All that's being loved is the facade I'm hiding behind, which only leaves me feeling continually empty.

I don't want to feel empty. Christ didn't die for my put-on face, He died for the ungodly and came to save the lost. In that is His beauty, His glory, His mercy displayed. And my thanks has been to hide from Him the person that I am.

I'm a sinner.
But I am redeemed by His grace.
THANK YOU JESUS!!!

I believe

2010-11-14T15:29:00.000-05:00

I believe in sparklers at weddings. Bird seed is messy and very slippery. Sparklers also look pretty in photographs.

I believe in photographs. Sometimes memory fails, sometimes you just want to gaze back on a blissful moment or a particularly pretty day, and a picture really does capture God's glory in a way that makes us stop and gaze upon it with sincere admiration beyond what we experience in our daily lives.

I believe in cake. Chocolate, rich but creamy, dark but smooth, and decadent should be the adjective that first comes to mind when it melts on your tongue.

I believe in spending time with people. In investing in their lives. In calling just to say hey. In being there for the good and the bad. In saying I love you every single day at every single opportunity.

I believe in the minds of children. Sometimes they may be strange, or it may not occur to them the same way it does to you, but the bliss of an unformed and unbiased mind is tremendously beautiful.

I believe in pushing. Through pain, through hurt, and through stubborn doors.

I believe in asking for help. It is not always easy, and I am often reluctant to do so, but so often our experiences are part of our testimony and may just be so that in that moment where your friend comes to you in tears, you can say "I've been where you are, and God will carry you through it."

I believe in God. The Holy Trinity, perfection embodied in Christ on earth, salvation offered for all those who ask sincerely, true Love defined, Father, Comforter, Redeemer, Creator, Friend.

I believe in our power to glorify God through our lives. To use the gifts He has given us to bless others, be it the homeless man on the way to church or a kid who doesn't have a great home life or just someone who needs to hear that they are Loved.

I believe in family. Family that you're born into and family that you create, friends that are sisters and brothers.

I believe in love. The big-L kind where God loves us and we cannot help but be overwhelmed with love for Him in return, and the little-l kind where you stick with someone because they make your heart skip a beat and because you see their heart and the call at 2 am can-you-come-get-me, it's all love, just different forms.

I believe.

PR

2010-08-22T22:52:00.000-04:00

Also, please pray for a friend of mine. She is in my bible study, and is such a beautiful display of Christ's love to everyone around her. Her faith is so incredibly inspiring, and her strength is clearly a reflection of her close walk with the Lord. Her sister has been diagnosed possibly with acute myeloid leukemia, and they have caught it early, but still. This is a trying time for a family, and for a girl so young, but this woman of God, and her family, will only use this experience to strengthen their faith in Christ and glorify His holy name. So if you read this, please just take a moment and pray.

A change in the weather

2010-08-22T22:48:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, especially towards the dog days of summer, when it starts to feel like the heat will never dissipate and the sunshine has burned through the atmosphere, we start to think that this is the year. This is the year that summer is going to stay forever and we're never going to get to wear cute winter coats or see spring blossoms or lazy falling leaves ever, ever again. However, if I think back really far, like, 6 months, then I remember that I felt this same feeling about winter! Okay, so last winter was like, the longest and coldest and rainiest and worstest winter ever, BUT we still got a gorgeous (if short-lived) spring and a blistering summer. Seasons change, it's a fact of life, it's how God created the world, it's a wondrous thing.

So no, my revelation for the day was not that there are seasons, or even that there are seasons in our lives, with friends, with jobs, with everything. I noticed as I was running laps earlier, watching the pretty sky and the moon and the white cottonballs...I mean clouds...that the clouds move. One lap, they were completely covering the moon and the only real light I had were the nicely spaced streetlamps in the neighborhood (thank you Chapel Hill for your affluence!). The next, the clouds had formed a cute little halo around the moon and were singing its' praises! It's like those rainy weeks that come move in and drizzle on my parade and make me feel as if the sun has ceased to exist. I mean, think about the worst, darkest, most awesome thunderstorm you've ever experienced. In the midst of the lightning and the booming thunder, how on earth can we truly believe that somewhere else, the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day? But that's kind of like faith, isn't it? How can we believe, in the midst of pain, sickness, deep hurt, that the Lord is good and His love is beyond measure?

Because that IS faith. His Word testifies to it. Our fellow believers testify to His goodness and provision. Our own lives have so many examples of Him watching over us, guiding us, holding us up and blessing our boots off.

The Son is shining.

But Christ is faithful as a Son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold onto our courage and the hope of which we boast. Hebrews 3:6

June 16, 2011

2010-06-16T14:35:00.000-04:00

You know when an idea just gets in your head and takes hold of you and you can't even sleep for it consuming all your thoughts?! That's what's happened to me! Of course, it's VBS week at church and I'm dying from the not-sleeping thing, but who cares? I just finished David Platt's book, Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream (Buy here!) and I'm hooked. Platt explains how our American version of faith in Christ is pretty far from the example set for us by Jesus Himself, and how we can work to change that. He offers his readers a challenge at the end of the book, which I've written on my mirror now so that I won't forget (which is also why I'm posting about this!), which is to do these five things for a year and just see if it doesn't open your eyes to a greater relationship with the Lord.

1. Pray every day for the entire world. How often do I spend time in prayer for the tribes in Nigeria that have never heard the name of the Lord? Without prayer, and with the way that Christians seem to skim over the Great Commission now, there does not seem to be much hope for the people of this world.
2. Read the whole Word. Most Christians I know have at least one Bible, if not more, and in the corners of the world where being a Christian is against the law or poverty is rampant, many Christ-followers have to memorize the Word because they cannot be found with it in their possession, or they cannot afford to purchase one.
3. Give sacrificially to a specific purpose. Under the awning of this tenet, I've vowed to give up Starbucks for the next year and to give a portion of my weekly paycheck to a family at my church that I work with that is going through the process of bringing home a little boy from Rwanda. I'm passionate about adoption, and this is a way that I can be held accountable for my giving and also that I can see it work.
4. Spend time in another context. I don't know what true poverty looks like. I don't know what a life without access to the Gospel looks like. I want to change that, and take opportunities to serve others and show them the love of Christ outside of my personal comfort zone.
5. Be an active part of a multiplying community. PHEW! I'm so thankful that I've found a fantastic church to be a part of here and the ministry that I serve with could not be better suited to my gifts.

A year. Where will I be in a year?

Also on the front of my brain is the "what are you doing after college?" question. I'm passionate about teaching, kids, and I'm a little dismayed by the state of the public school system (okay, more than a little), and so I'm starting to mull over the idea of getting my master's in Christian Education and then going to teach somewhere off the North American continent. Maybe South America, or Guatemala, or even Africa.

This means I've got to learn a language other than Southern drawl...oh dear.

Any way you want it...but what DO I want?

2010-06-12T22:07:00.000-04:00

Today was a great day :) I went running in the delicious humidity (okay, that might be sarcasm, but it was a nice run!) and then went and hung out with a friend who is always an encouragement, whether or not he realizes it. We went to see the horribly bad new Judd Apatow movie, full of laughs but SHEESH the language! Anyways, as we were walking around the mall after the movie (and he was hiding from any screen showing the US-England World Cup game so that he could watch it in its entirety later), he asked me a question that left me rather speechless. Speechless for me is a rare phenomenon, though my tongue is always one of the things I struggle the most with taming. He asked me what I was looking for in a significant other. I kind of laughed and went to answer and realized, I really don't know. I know what I've chosen in the past, and through that I've learned a little about what personalities don't mesh well with mine, what traits I admire in someone, and I can easily make a vague list of desirable characteristics in a lifelong partner. But what I want, what I'm attracted to...hmm.

I guess what bothers me about this is that I believe without a plan, things fail. I plan my days, my errands, my grocery lists; my Google calendar is color-coded and minutely detailed. I realize that I have a definite issue with control (or rather the lack of it), and that as a Christian, I need to trust the Lord with every little thing, and not spend time worrying about earthly entanglements. However, I also don't think that actively placing my trust and life in the Lord means that I should not plan at all...just that I should make plans that are a. centered around glorifying Him and b. flexible should He call me to something else.

Tangent over, but I'm throwing this out there for those of us who rant, I mean define, what we don't want in a godly husband. And, this seems to extend to other areas too...We can critique the way our churches do things, the way others raise their kids, the way a friend acts towards us, but do we ever stop to examine what the positives are? Do you actually know what you do want in a friend, in a relationship, in your ministry, in your parenting? Are we ruling out people because the qualities we see in them we associate with negative characters we've encountered before? Are we judging others because of what they fail to do, where they've been in their past, or are we asking God to take away the burdens of our heart and cleanse away the hardened souls we develop over time?

Are we too busy focusing on our sin to look up and see the beauty of the cross?

The Christian radio station I listen to did this challenge a few weeks back for its listeners, asking if they could go 30 days without saying anything negative. At first, I thought it would be easy, because I consider myself a positive person. However, as the days dragged on and I caught myself thinking about ways that someone could have handled a situation differently, the things that I don't do well, etc, I realized that I am guilty of constantly judging God's creations, including myself. One of my favorite verses, Psalm 19:14, reads "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." In Phillipians 4:8, Paul commands us to think about whatever is true, pure, admirable, lovely, noble, and right. Basically, when you boil it down, it's "don't waste My time thinking about the past, others' or your own flaws, spend time meditating on My Word, My love for you, My sacrifice, how you might better glorify My name." Which is a great point. We have only the rest of our earthly lives to further His kingdom and when we let the Devil drag us into focusing on things we can't change, things that God was in control of the whole time, then we are wasting His time, wasting the gift of life He's given us.

I'm still not sure exactly what I'm looking for. But I know that from now on, I'm going to pray for revelation in that area, and also for what I do desire, not what I'd like to avoid or what I coulda-shoulda-woulda done if things had been this way or that way.

:)

The Pursuit of...

2010-06-07T22:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight after my Bible study met (via video chat...how cool is that?!), my beautiful partner-in-Chacos and I were discussing boys...what's new right? We're almost at the age where they're men, which is kind of scary to be honest, and only partly because so few of the ones we know actually live up to that description. Well our chat focused on the things we wish the guys in our lives did. Maybe we watch too many chick flicks, or maybe our free time is just spent differently, but we came to the conclusion that we would make great boyfriends. We love planning surprises, making our own holidays to celebrate, taking walks outside (or really just spending time outside, under moonlight or basking in the sun, whatevs), car-dancing, writing each other letters and making CDs with encouraging songs, and whatever else we can think of...and we would love any guy who consistently did those kinds of things for us. I say consistently there, because most guys are good, or even great, at the reeling-in-the-fish portion of dating, but once they get the fish, it's as if they don't know what to do with it. Granted, a level of comfort is to be expected, and you can't live on the 'can't eat, can't sleep' high forever, but why is it that there seems to be a severe slack-off in the pursuing part of most relationships after the "hey, we're boyfriend/girlfriend" thing happens?

I wish I knew. I pray for someone who, after forty years of marriage, still gets a kick out of making my day by bringing me home a flower, or something that he saw and made him think of me.

However, that was not the revelation I had after our conversation. Here I am, talking about all the great ideas I have for a relationship, and how nice it'd be to be blessed with a man who is intentional and consistent in his pursuit of me when I can't honestly say that that is how I approach the Lord. The One who saved me, who took the Moabite widow out of the field and called her His own, who blesses and keeps me every moment of my life, who brings me daffodils in April every year and hydrangeas and tulips, I don't pursue Him like that. I rearrange my quiet time to fit Him in my day, or I pray sporadically and without thanksgiving on hectic days, I don't sing Him love songs with my whole heart...

I don't know. It's just a thought really. But I do know that whether or not a man comes along and rides me off into the sun(rise not set, I think it's way more unique), my responsibility is to serve and glorify God in the way that I dream about being pursued.

Why are convictions so...convicting?

Your steadfast love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies. Psalm 36:5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlhXsUVjMH4&feature=related

When in Rome...

2010-02-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." Romans 12:12
I have discovered Rome. In case you weren't aware, it's apparently this really cool ancient city, where lots of nifty history comes from. According to the apostle Paul, there was a really fantastic group of believers there too! I mean, what's not to like about this place? I wonder if I can go visit...oh wait, I have a reality that I'm presently attached to. Whoops!

Anyways, Romans 12 has been my chapter. I've been captivated by it, enraptured with it, and just absolutely cannot read anything else in the entire Word right now! And for today, because it has been one big crazy snow-covered exhausting day, I am fixating on this verse. Romans 12:12.

Our confident hope. The wonderful news that Christ brought when He was born in the manger, and told throughout His life on earth, and then made true for each and every one of us when He died and rose again. The sacrifice that He made of His glorious self, the beauty that He was, the true love that He represented, and the sins that He atoned for. It is truly incomprehensible.

Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. Because God is going to come through. He is going to do it in His time, and in His way, but His way is so much better, so infinitely wise and just, so great and marvelous, that you're going to wonder why you even have a brain and not just a large puppet-string contraption attached to this Awesome Creator Redeemer Savior Father and Friend that is watching over you. Keep on praying while you're waiting too. Show your Lord, and others around you, that you have faith in your God, and you just know that He is going to carry you through whatever storm you're going through. Talk to God, tell Him what your fears are, what is troubling your heart, and He will not only listen to your prayers, He'll answer them in an even bigger way than you could have ever fathomed. But, in the process, while you're doing all this praying and talking to Him, you might just get a little bit closer to Him. You might develop a conversational friendship with the God that made the heavens and the hairs on your head. And being close with God, knowing Him and feeling His love surround you, is something that may just make you forget what it was that you were praying so hard for anyways.

Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, cause I just want something beautiful.
To touch me, to know that I'm in reach, I'm waiting for,

something beautiful.

Something like You Lord.

Redhead born, redhead bred, and when I die, I'll be a redhead dead.

2010-01-29T09:49:00.006-05:00

Lord, You are a true Healer. Your love is beyond compare, and I cannot help but tell the world about it. I have nothing but delight when I think of how close You've been throughout this time, and I pray that I never turn from Your will and leave Your presence again. You are the Lord of my life, You know best, and I know not everlasting and steadfast love except that which You have shown me.

Lord, You created me exactly as You intended me to be. Thank You for Your wonderful design, even though at times I will confess I suppress it and try and change the daughter that You designed. Because of Your grace and majesty though, I am complete, forgiven, and overwhelmed by love and beauty.

LEC

I love to run, slowly and in sunshine, often without music, because the world is beautiful.

I think taking walks with special somebodies and holding hands is ridiculously adorable.

I love 90s country, Elvis Presley and Patsy Cline, Fall Out Boy and Akon, and all things KLOVE.

I fold shirts like a normal person, in half.

I think the perfect day involves a delicious breakfast of banana-chocolate-chip pancakes, followed by a run, a scalding shower, chai tea and Jane Austen in a window seat.

I like hydrangeas, daffodils, and peach roses.

I love ponies, especially really really big ones that like Peeps and look gorgeous in hunter tack.

I enjoy singing at the top of my lungs, but only when the radio is turned alllll the way up.

I love babies, but I'd prefer if possible to birth potty-trained two-year-olds, and boys only please.

I am both incredibly naive and wary of others at the same time.

I dance in the street, badly.

I live in boots, cowboy, heeled, equestrian (which I have yet to get a pair of), etc.

I think guys in trucks with humongous lifts are downright sexy...But not if it's a Dodge.

I enjoy being a woman, and I like cooking and cleaning and wearing aprons and doing laundry.

I love the beach, but am terrified of water.

I wish I could tan, and sometimes I try, but I don't like the idea of melanoma, so it's a battle.

I think history is crazy interesting.

I am currently enamored with chai tea lattes, as I have given up my precious Diet Mtn. Dew (for now).

I like feeling short, and I secretly wish I were a few inches shorter.

I like guys that play drums, though guitar is nice too.

I hate irresponsibility in people, and dishonesty, and unreliability.

I dislike those qualities the most when I see them in myself.

I have a hard time saying no, but I'm working on it.

I want to move West, to Dallas or Nashville specifically, after graduation.

My dream house is an old white farmhouse with a huge porch, porch swing included, and a neverending summer. There will be a barn in the backyard, which should be filled with puppies and horses. The driveway would be lined with trees, magnolias to be exact, and in the driveway will be a muddy Suburban for adventuring. Everything will be likely be partially askew at all times, but this home will be bursting with overflowing love, for each other and for Christ.

I considered dying my hair brown this week, to see if it would seep through to my roots and maybe soothe my feisty-ness.

Then I decided that I'm done not being who I'm supposed to be. I am the woman that God designed. I will never be perfectly put-together, I will forever be without a sense of rhythm, and I will always be striving to love the Lord more.

Salvation is Here

2010-01-24T22:44:00.004-05:00

No man is worth crying over, and any man that is, won't make you cry.

It's funny how life works out. Sometimes it's ridiculously awesome, and then the next moment, things have completely fallen apart. I'm not a person that handles that well. I don't like being lied to, because when one aspect of something is a sham, then inevitably it feels like the house was built of mud instead of real brick. I don't like being hurt when I make a valiant effort to trust someone. I don't like feeling like I'm trapped in a sinkhole (like the one in The Lovely Bones where stuff magically sinks into the gloopy mess at the bottom!).

However.

I am not without a rescue. I have the Almighty God to pull me out. And thankfully, He does, every single time. He is so gracious and loving, so kind and understanding, forgiving and tender. He is the Rock that stands strong throughout every storm, and quiets the winds when the need arises. Our God is so great, so mighty, and the Redeemer of all the world.

A wonderful friend of mine made me a mix CD (how awesomely 2002...yeeeahhh buddy) that had on it Times by Tenth Avenue North, and I think that, considering the revisiting of a moment I thought had been put in the past, that song is yet again, comforting.

On a side note, it's raining again. It always rains here, but tonight, the rain is fitting. I hope it stays for a while and keeps me company :)

Psalm 23

The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all of the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Horse Training

2009-10-26T17:47:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I heard a message on the Beatitudes (do you capitalize that?) that really made a lot of sense to me, because the pastor that was giving the talk used a horse analogy. If you ever want something to make sense to me, relate it to horses or chocolate...one of the two will always make some sort of connection with me and whatever you are trying to convey will suddenly CLICK! for me.

So we were talking about what meek brings to mind, and the words humble, mild, and peaceful all came up, as did weak. Oddly enough, culturally, we tend to think of meek as equivalent to weak; a meek person is someone who doesn't fight their own battles or who is quiet and shy, or something along those lines. Well, Jesus said though, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." -Matthew 5:5...does Jesus want us to be weak and timid? That makes no sense when the Word also talks about being bold for our faith. Confused much?

Well, let's get to that analogy. The Greek word for meek is "praos," which also means gentle or humble. This word actually comes from the word that was used in relation to a trained colt, which, no one in their right mind would ever call a trained colt weak, so meek must mean something different here.

When you train a horse, you first have to catch them. Easier said than done, I personally use Peeps with my horse...don't judge, it works. Then, you take them out of the wild (or the pasture) and put them into a round pen. It's much easier to work with a wild colt in a smaller enclosure than in a huge area where he can run away and pretend you don't exist. The next step is to put the saddle on his back. This often takes a few tries, and most horses run around bucking for quite a while before they get used to the big heavy thing that is now cinched around their belly. After this, there's the potato sack, to get them used to carrying weight on their backs (some people skip this step and hop right on, but I'm a cautious person, who likes her limbs and brains intact). Finally, you hop on...slowly and carefully. The horse then has to adjust to carrying you around, and to listening to your leg cues and to what you're asking him to do with the bit. It's always been funny to me that you can control such a large animal with a skinny piece of smooth metal in his mouth and a little chain looped under his chin. For the longest time, my horse agreed with this assertion and continued to do whatever he pleased when we rode: eventually though, he realized that listening to me made things a lot easier on us both, and maybe even a little enjoyable. Then we could leave the pen and go flying across open fields, down trails, across creeks, and I'd even be nice and stop him from running out in the road so that the scary trucks wouldn't mow him over (okay, maybe I had a vested interest in not dying too...haha).

God does this with us, if you think about it. He often uses something or someone to get our attention, and bring us into the round pen, where He can teach us. Then He lovingly and patiently goes through all the steps to teach us how to follow Him, so that we can step outside the pen and enjoy life as it was meant to be, running through the wildflowers at full speed.

All of this depends on our willingness to listen to Him though, and that's where meekness comes in. If we fight him and buck His authority continuously, the ride will never be smooth or joyful. He tells us that if we give our will and our lives over to Him though, we will inherit the earth. What an awesome promise that is.

I think I like the sound of meek...don't you?

Hanging out with Jesus :)

2009-10-21T17:00:00.002-04:00

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to You, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. – Psalm 19:14

Reading The Practice of the Presence of God has changed my life, and my approach to my relationship with the Lord so much. Though it should have occurred to me before in reading Scripture, Brother Lawrence laid out a few key verses that support the development of his way of conversing and communing with God that hit me straight in the forehead.

If we are supposed to have a heart for the Lord, and love others as He loved us, why would we want to do anything other than continually be in His presence and seeking His counsel and love? To live with Him in mind and heart is to love like He would and live a Christ-honoring life…DUH right?

I’ve always dealt with dwelling on the past, reliving moments that I would have done differently in hindsight or mulling over an offense that I committed or that someone committed against me. It is so very easy to revisit that scene in your life-movie and play it back on repeat until the hurt and anger well up and take control of your actions, leading you to do things that you wouldn’t otherwise do. However, meditating on this anger, or even regret, only allows the devil to gain a foothold in your heart, a heart that belongs to the Almighty Father. A heart and mind that are wallowing in malice, impure thoughts, and desolation are not a place that the Lord wants to come and dwell in, nor are they worthy of His presence.

So how does one go about seeking His presence? Well, Brother Lawrence suggests these things:

Pursue a great purity of life.
Be faithful in your pursuit of the Lord.
When your mind wanders, bring it back to Him without focusing on the failure, just rejoice to be with Him again.

I’m not far along in this practicing thing, but as of yet, I’ve definitely noticed a huge change in how I approach the Lord and how much I rely on Him. While I’m usually the first person to pick up the phone and press speed dial when something stressful happens, I’ve found that seeking God’s reassurance and strength first leads me to rely on Him as my Provider and my Defender. Also, when there is a joyous occasion in my life, since all good things come from Him, then it is only right to praise Him for the blessings He bestows upon us. He is truly capable of being our Everything, and He is faithful and loving and strong.

Also, another point that I’d like to mention while I’m thinking about it is the true joy that seems to accompany the presence of the Lord. As Brother Lawrence points out, it is rather hard to resist the joy that fills your soul when you truly dwell on how great our God is, how much He has done for us, how much He loves us and treasures us as individuals and as members of His body, and how wonderful the provisions are that He has made for us.

A great post that relates to this, and is much more organized than my thought train I’m sure, is found on the Boundless site at http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002150.cfm. Definitely worth checking out!

Okay, time to glue some pictures down for first-grade homework…Whoohoo!!

Just in case

2009-10-16T09:11:00.003-04:00

Dear daughter,

I'm sure I'll tell you this a thousand times while you are so blessedly given unto my care, but just in case your hearing is bad, I'm going to tell you again. Guard your heart. The only One you can ever trust with it is the Lord above, because He will never disappoint or forsake you. He loves you so much that He humbled Himself and came to earth as a babe to save you from the pain and consequences of your sins. He formed you in my womb, and gives you the very breath you breathe. He has great and marvelous plans for you, and all you have to do is live for Him.

Of course, I know that you know all this.

However, I'd really like to warn you of a particular area in which it is easy to loosen the stays of your fragile heart. Boys are hard to relate to, especially in a relationship, when you finally realize that their brains really just don't think the same way that yours does. However, it is very easy to find friendship in your brothers in Christ; strange as it seems, this is where your danger lies lurking.

There will be a boy, or boys, who you'll love to be around, and who'll make you laugh and feel completely at ease, who will go with you to the chick flicks (as long as you don't tell their guy friends) and take you over to meet their families. They will be so kind as to buy your dinner, and open doors for you, and tell you how amazing you are.

You must be careful with these boys.

Becoming best friends with a boy leads to a blurring of the lines, and soon your heart will jump for joy when he calls you about his new car, or just about what you're doing on Friday night. When you become the girl he bounces to tell about anything exciting that happens, you have crossed the line into girl territory, and are no longer just a friend. You might start to wonder if there is something more than friendship, and you wait for glimpses of similar feelings in him. You conclude that since the two of you get on so well, and he clearly cares about you, then there must be something more. Unless he is intentionally and openly pursuing you, you are giving away your heart for something that is simply a filler for a love that will come along and go beyond your wildest dreams.

You deserve more than this Splenda, and so does he.

And trust your mama on this one, if you let him into your heart, when the time comes for you both to move on, it's going to hurt so much more than being a responsible guardian of your heart and stepping back early.

I love you daughter, and wish that you'll be wiser than I was.

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Prov. 4:23

*Splenda is a sugar substitute that they came out with back when your mom was in college. By the time you come along, it'll probably be outlawed for causing some crazy disease :)

Can you walk and talk at the same time?

2009-10-15T12:56:00.004-04:00

I want the easy conversation with the Lord of the universe that David had, or Paul, or even the sense of presence that Brother Lawrence spoke of in his The Practice of the Presence of God... I've been reading Brother Lawrence's work as of late, and I am absolutely enamored with how it approaches the idea of dwelling in His presence. It's as simple, according to Brother Lawrence, as calling into your mind the Lord's name when your mind has wandered, or even when you are in a difficult conversation. My thoughts are my biggest flaw as of yet, because I am so unpracticed in the discipline of focusing on Him. I've found though, that when I actively turn my thoughts back to the Lord, I find joy and peace, and I can't help but smile as I think about His glory, and how He loves us, and His plans for me, and the infinite wisdom He possesses, and the amazing way He made the leaves change colors in the fall and flowers bloom in the spring, and the list goes on and on. Along with this, if I consciously seek His presence in my thoughts, I am much more aware of how my actions, and even my thoughts, appear to Him. If I'm dwelling on the past, or on someone's negative words, allowing bitterness to make its home in my heart, I am clearly displeasing Him, and spending precious time giving the devil a hold on my heart. If I'm living in my daydreams about tomorrow, or worrying about what I should do after college, or who with, or where, I'm not serving Him in the present.

I'm not sure how well this really plays out, or how much attention He's paying me when I constantly babble to Him about what's going on in my life and my head, but I do like the idea of acting and thinking with Him in mind... which seems to be the ultimate goal of a Christ-follower anyways.

Also, one of the most striking things that I've gathered from this reading is that God wants to know me. This ought not be such a revelation, but it is still rather exciting to think that the Lord of all creation, the Redeemer, desires to be known and to know us. He wants to be our best friend, our comfort, our source of joy and peace, our Father, and our Savior.

I don't know about you, but that makes me grin from ear to ear!

Which is probably not a great idea...since I'm definitely sitting in a class right this minute. Oopsie daisy!

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Colossians 3:2

Cowboy Boots

2009-10-14T22:20:00.003-04:00

I need a pair of cowboy boots. A pair with slick leather, that dance well, in the moonlight in a parking lot or at a dinner banquet. They've got to have enough traction to not send me catapulting down the sidewalk in rainy weather though. Also, I'll need a light pair. I need to be able to run, for something important or away from things that scare me. But, they need to be heavy enough to kick butt too... Phew, these boots are looking harder and harder to find! Let's see, what else? The ideal pair of boots would be good-looking, not ankle boots, not thigh-highs either though. They'd need to be able to take whatever life throws at them, because I'll wear them in the rain and snow or in the summer sun... I like when they get to looking a little scuffed-up, because then it means they've been with me through good times and bad. I'll also need a pair that will go great with jeans, or a pretty sundress, or whatever I happen to put on...

Hmm...

Oh, I know! They just HAVE to be comfortable! I mean, I know there will be that initial break-in period, where I'll get a blister or two, but I'll be able to suffer through those little things, because once this pair of boots is broken in, I won't ever part with them.

The funniest part of my search for boots has been trying them on. I have tried on a few, looked at even more, but I have yet to find that perfect pair.

So now that we've gone through the nuances of boot shopping, I've got a confession. I have the most PERFECT pair of Marlboro boots that I bought last year. What I realized today during a conversation at dinner though, was that the way I feel about boots is the way I feel about finding a husband.

I don't expect it to be an easy thing, but I do know that I want to feel about the man that I marry the way I feel about those boots, only a thousand times more. I trust that God will let me know when it's the right one too, and I'm trusting His guidance in telling me which ones are worth trying on, and which ones I shouldn't even give a second glance.

One of my favorite hymns says it best, and we'll leave it at that.

Here I am Lord, is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

Mr. Case

2009-10-12T10:15:00.004-04:00

I just got back from a wonderful weekend, that involved tons of family and friends and church and driving. It was so awesome to go home and make Christmas cards with my Granddaddy (and yes, I realize it's October!) and eat pancakes with my mom. My Granddaddy turned 78 just last Sunday, and the inspiration for this post actually comes from him.

My Granddaddy is my real-life example of what living a God-centered life looks like. He has been my father figure for most of my life, with my dad's presence being sporadic since my parents' divorce. He is patient, and kind, forgiving in the most real sense of the word, and so generous with all that he has been blessed with. All this awesomeness doesn't come from him though, and that's why I wanted to dedicate this post to him.

My Granddaddy is a man of God. He firmly believes that all he has is a result not only of his hard work, but that it has been given to him by the good Lord. Because of this, he doesn't hoard his money, nor does he waste it on frivolous material goods. He believes in being a responsible guardian of his blessings, and has taught me over the years (though it took him a long time to get it through my head!) that money will never make you happy. He gives generously to my mom and I, and tells me without fail every time I leave his house, to let him know if I need anything, because "I wouldn't want you to go hungry doll!" I don't think I've ever been in danger of going hungry, but the things that I needed, or reasoned with him about wanting, he always provided. Selfish is just not in this old fella's vocabulary! I remember in high school when one of my friends was going to Africa for missions over the summer, I made sure to tell her to send a letter to my Granddaddy, because I knew he'd be glad to give her money to go spread the Good News. Sure enough, he wrote me a check to give to her, and still asks about her to this day.

Another thing that inspires me about my Granddaddy is his faith. I'm sure he's asked questions of the Lord before, and he probably still does. But he knows that the Lord has a plan, and that He is going to take care of everything, in His way and His time. A great example of how I see his faith though is in my grandmother's illness. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the late 1990s, and has gotten to the point now where she hasn't been out of the hospital bed in three years. Where some would have gotten angry at God for taking their precious one away in such a tough and painful way, Granddaddy never did. He prayed for her healing, and he still does I'm sure. His faith is just as solid now though, and he spends his days taking care of my grandmother; as he puts it, no one could do a better job, and if you ask anyone that knows him and my grandma, they'd agree. He gets up with her in the middle of the night, and rests by her bedside during the day.

That leads me to another thing that I admire so much about my wonderful Granddaddy. His love is endless! He tells my mom and I all how much he loves us all the time, and my grandmother too. Also, anyone that has ever been in his house, including the hospice aides that come to help with my grandmother, knows alllll about me before I even meet them, because he just can't help but tell them about his granddaughter. Even more than telling us that he loves us though, he shows us. He sacrifices his own comfort for me, and for my grandmother. He could easily have put her in a nursing home a long time ago, but when he said he'd love her for better or for worse, he meant it. The way that he shows his love sets quite an example for the rest of us to follow, for sure.

The point of this post was not to glorify my Granddaddy though, even as much as I love and adore him. What I admire so much about this man is that he is the man that he is because of his relationship with his Savior. The One that he's following and using as his example is the One who came and died to atone for his sins. He loves because he is loved by the Lord, he forgives because he is forgiven in Christ, and he is faithful because God is faithful and never fails. His life points me straight to the Lord, and that is the kind of life that I hope to lead. It's like the reason that our pastor said that we are so involved in community outreach: we want to be out there giving and loving so much that people just can't help but ask WHY.

Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore! From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised! Psalm 113:2-3

But, I WANT it!

2009-10-07T18:40:00.004-04:00

I struggle with jealousy. I hate to admit that, because I have never in my life gone without. I have lots of things, great friends, and I go to a great college with tons of fantastic opportunities for me to expand my horizons and learn cool stuff! I know Christ, and I know that He died so that I might live. And yet, I always want MORE than He is giving me at the current time.

The problem is that my hunger is based on what I see in others’ lives, not based on my own desire to grow. I want to be closer to the Lord, but not for the right reasons.: I see how others view the women of God that I look up to, and I want to be seen in that same way. I want to be fitter, but not because it would benefit my body in the long run to avoid Yogurt Pump more than once a week or make my mile time faster. I want to run faster because I know girls that can outrun the boys, that can do a 5k in less than 22 minutes, and that have more defined leg muscles than I do. I want a relationship, but not necessarily because it is what God is calling me for right now, but because others are getting engaged and I feel left out.

Jealousy, according to an article or something I read recently, is actually a result of pride though…and that is why I’m writing about this. I don’t think I had ever really made that connection before, which points out how completely lacking in profundity my thinking about theology is. Pride is the ultimate sin, the reason that Eve felt she ‘ought’ to possess all the knowledge of good and evil that God did, the reason that we lack reverence for Christ’s sacrifice, and so much more. Pride is that sense of entitlement that leads us to question God’s authority to demand our singular devotion, to grow frustrated with His timing, because we oh-so-obviously know ‘better’ than He does (think about that for a minute…yea). Pride is that nagging little voice in the back of my head that looks at the girl with the boy and says, I’m skinnier, I’m better with kids, I’m an awesome girlfriend and she doesn’t even cook for him!

And then I realize that it is NOT a race.

That God has a unique plan for each one of us, that is perfectly suited to our individual needs and abilities.

That He knows the hairs on my head and the desires of my heart.

That He loves ME too, and that that is ENOUGH.

And that I don’t deserve Jack Squat on any of my own merits…because even those are gifts from Him that are to be used for His glory and to honor His name.

My life is not my own.

Out of the depths, I cry to You, O Lord;

O Lord, hear my voice.

Let Your ears be attentive,

To my cry for mercy.

If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins,

Who could stand?

But with You, there is forgiveness;

Therefore You are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

And in His word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord,

More than the watchmen wait for the morning,

More than the watchmen wait for the morning.

O Daughter, put your hope in the Lord,

For with the Lord is unfailing love,

And with Him is full redemption.

He Himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Psalm 130

He has come and redeemed us from our sins. REJOICE, and put your hope in Him.

And yes, I added the bold to the words that stuck out to me as I’ve been going over this lately J

Hola

2009-08-28T10:09:00.002-04:00

Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This one is written on my mirror in my bathroom, so that every time I look at it, or wonder what the scribble is all over my otherwise-pristine bathroom (...in my dreams!), I'm reminded of the encouraging words that were written to the Thessalonians by Paul, Silas, and Timothy. Of course, the church at Thessalonians was faithful and passionate about God, and I'm not sure that I measure up to that right now.

Again, I'm having a hard time. I'm learning more and more with each day though that what I want is not all it's cracked up to be. This is a good thing for me, because it helps me to realize that my ultimate satisfaction and peace comes from knowing and trusting God. This is also a difficult thing for me because it's a hugely humbling experience to realize that all that you've worked for isn't satisfying or completing at all.

Humility is stressed repeatedly throughout the Bible as a crucial quality of true Christ-following. Anyone that accepts Christ and God's Word must acknowledge that hey, we don't know it all, and we're not actually here to do whatever we please even though God gave us free will. It's a continuous struggle in everyone's life, even after they've accepted Christ it seems, to just continually hand over the reins to the Lord in heaven and let Him guide you wherever He sees fit. I want to know where I'm going, what I'm doing when I get there, how long it's going to take, and who is going with me. However, that isn't trusting God or His plan, it isn't accepting His perfection and holiness, and it isn't honoring Him.

I realized something this morning though, as I was dealing with my own failures and frustrations. I am actually on that path. I don't mean that as a boast, and I'm still stumbling along the way for sure...but I feel it. I know that God is with me, picking me up and holding me in His loving arms when I fall. I know that He is God and that He is miraculous and full of grace and mercy and He still loves me. It doesn't excuse my sins. It doesn't mean that I don't need to continue to take steps to avoid temptation. But it does mean that I need to stop focusing on the bad that I've done, and rejoice in the great gift of life that He has given to me!

I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the JOY of the LORD.

I will never be perfect. I will always struggle with sin and willfulness and pride. But I am a child of God, forgiven and made perfect by His blood.

Hebrews 10. Great chapter. Read it :)

And spend some time worshiping and praising Him, instead of dwelling on your sin. He's already washed it away anyways, so get up, dust your boots off, and get back on the horse.

My new favorite quote

2009-08-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

Direction, far more than intention, determines destination.

That sentence basically sums up the most awesome sermon I've ever heard. Our pastor at Summit preached Saturday night on Proverbs 16:1-4 and Proverbs 4:26 and I just really felt the Lord speaking to me throughout the entire service. Apparently a lot of others did too, because everyone I know that went said it was just a really touching message that convicted their hearts to maybe examine some aspects of their lives that weren't matching up to what they were intended to be.

I would attribute good intentions to most Christians. No person with any knowledge of Christ and His great love for us consciously wants to hurt others and God. When we put our priorities above His will though, or we create idols that we value more than Him, it is easy to fall off the path. If you're not watering the flowers in your yard, and you live in Arizona, even if you really truly sincerely want to be a great gardener with a captivatingly beautiful yard...your flowers will wilt and die. Also, another way that I was thinking about it (while I was enjoying the peace and quiet this morning and RUNNING!!!) is that the trail I usually run is such a treasure for me in the middle of the hilly hilly Piedmont. It's about 2.5 miles long, pretty much flat-as-a-pancake, and paved smoothly. It goes through woods, along a little creek, and is where I go walking with my friends, take the puppies out to play, and run all by my lonesome early in the morning. I have the option of running off the trail though; there are little side paths that go toward the creek and kind of venture through the woods that look really intriguing when I've run my trail over and over. However, I know that in those deceptively pretty trees and flowers are bees and ticks, dog poop two feet off the trail that's waiting for you to have weak knees and run the grass, dead ends that lead only to the creek (which by the way, is mucky and liable to suck your nice expensive running shoes off...and is filllled with snakes), and scary people that lurk in the woods. So though my intentions may be great when I'm running, if I allow myself to get distracted by the luscious rosebuds or the adorable bunny rabbit, I will inevitably end up stepping in dog poop, going home to find ticks all over me, shoeless, and only after being released from the hospital for the snake bite I get.

God has given us the way to walk, and the choice to stay on the path that leads to Him, or to turn away from Him. The things of this world are awfully tempting sometimes, and often I struggle to discern what His will for me is. I have so many little issues that blow up and pop me in the face when I'm least expecting it, and it's a constant process of handing them over to the Lord. He is strong and loves me enough to take my burdens from me, because I know I can't handle them on my own...even when I try really really hard.

Next topic, restlessness. Get ready for some Joseph, maybe a little Esther?

Stay on the pavement.

A Virtuous Woman

2009-08-20T09:41:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I've got soo much time on my hands waiting for the cable company to get here and install the distractor box (which I've actually gotten used to living without now...blessings come in strange disguises sometimes), so I figured I'd go back to the "work in progress" list that I'm still working on. However, I'd like to address the topic of a virtuous woman first, because I think that we are first called to become the woman of God that He created us to be. Only then should we seek to find a companion, and only in a way that glorifies God and involves prayerful consideration and the involvement of your Christian community.

The qualities attributed to the "ultimate" woman are listed succinctly in Proverbs 31, where the sayings of King Lemuel are repeated by Solomon, who says,
"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies! Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant's ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household, and plans the day's work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well-known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her, her husband praises her, "There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!"
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."

Proverbs 31:10-31

This passage is such a great illustration of what a Godly woman looks like. She has many qualities that bring praise and admiration to her character and her household, but that which guides her is her fear of the Lord. She keeps His Word close to her heart, and serves her family and her community as she serves her God. By doing so, she remains close to God and is a blessing to those around her, and a reflection of God and His love and compassion. She works on her own, and does not wait around for God's will to reveal itself in every situation, because she is such an avid believer that she knows His word and is careful to act as to point others to Him.

Becoming a virtuous woman is something we all should strive for. Who would not want to be so close to the Lord, such a blessing and honor to Him? It takes discipline and diligence though, and following our own inclinations often leads us away from these in our frivolous pursuit of man-made idols. It takes spending time with Him each day, seeking His presence continually. I once saw a bumper sticker on Facebook that said, "Let my heart be so close to the Lord's that any man seeking me must first seek Him."

So give Him your heart, and He will bless you in all your days, with His presence, His love, and His forgiveness.

Musical Accompaniment

2009-08-20T08:34:00.002-04:00

Well hello world :)

I'm still having a bit of trouble discerning God's will for me, and trying to do as He in every situation, but I've rediscovered some great verses of encouragement that have really helped me.

Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it...God has said, "NEVER will I leave you. NEVER will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? - Hebrews 13:1-2, 5-6 NIV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Phillipians 4:6-7 NIV

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way consider it an opportunity for great joy! For you know, when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4 NLT

All these verses emphasize not only turning to God in times of trouble, but rejoicing in them! I don't think that's always easy, but neither is the discipline that the Lord gives us. We are not unlike the people of Judah and Israel in Jeremiah, who turn from Him and create idols to worship instead. However, we have the majestic sacrifice of Jesus to erase our sins and offer us freedom when we turn to Him.

Unfortunately, it is ingrained into our culture, to worship ourselves, romance, money, and shiny things (haha). We are given the promise of eternal freedom and salvation, and of the greatest Love we could ever experience, and we turn instead to our follies and whims to satisfy us. All it takes is a venture into the "Self-Help" section at Barnes and Noble to realize that nothing we are doing is making us happy, or anywhere near "perfect and complete." So where are we supposed to turn to find this satisfaction and completion? Duhh...we seek God, and He shows us how boundless His love for us is! We grow in faith by spending time with Him, turning our eyes to His face, and basking in His beauty and love by walking the path He has set out for us.

So worship Him. Praise Him for all that He has given to you, and for the love so great that He died for you. Give thanks that He loves you enough to discipline you and help you to turn away from that which takes you away from Him.

Whatever it is that is bothering you, or hurting you, take five minutes and spend time with Him in His Word and in prayer. It will turn you around, and you won't be able to do anything other than stand in awe of the Lord :)

On the playlist currently:
What I'm Looking For by Jonny Diaz
Let My Words Be Few by Phillips, Craig, and Dean
My Jesus by Todd Agnew
Yes Lord by like everyone...but my favorite is Casting Crowns version
I'd Need a Savior by Among the Thirsty (though it's not actually out yet...boo!)
Love is Here by Tenth Avenue North
Times by Tenth Avenue North (shout out to Whitney for recommending this!!)
Yesterday by Jonny Diaz
and More Beautiful You also by Jonny Diaz

Rocking out to Christian music in the car and on the treddy and just walking around campus is a total smile-inducer!

Lord am I angry!

2009-08-18T11:14:00.002-04:00

I am really struggling right now. To give in to God's will, to worship Him when all I want to do is ask why He is doing this to me? This life is HARD. I see the gifts that He has given me to serve Him with, and yet I feel like I am not even being allowed to use them. He disciplines those that He loves, as the father disciplines the son in whom he delights (Prov. 3:12). So I know I have done wrong, I have left His side and made my own way, and He loves me enough to pull me back to Him. Why do I have such a hard time giving up my own dreams and aspirations though? It should be crystal clear to me that He has plans beyond those of my wildest dreams, and that only in Him will I find true joy. I feel it sometimes, when I know He is there and with me, when I am focusing my eyes on Him and Him alone. There are so many words of assurance and love and forgiveness in the Bible, and they were written for you and I, to lead us in the ways of the Lord so that we might find redemption and peace. Where is my peace then? Why is it so hard to trust the One that shaped me and gave me the breath that I breathe to provide for me?

It always comes back to pride. I want to think that my plan is better, that I can accomplish everything without His help, without His gift of salvation. I want to know WHY for everything, when I am only human, and I cannot fathom why the birds fly or why the sea is salty. All I need to know is Him and His love.

I am NOT a feminist.

2009-08-12T21:35:00.002-04:00

So in case you missed the underlying attitude of old-school in basically all of my preceding posts, let me lay it out for ya.

I am a firm believer in what the Bible says. Every last word of it. I don't think that we necessarily have to abide by all the rules that were set out in Deuteronomy and Numbers, but I do think that the Word of the Lord is His gift to us, and that His will is written there on the pages. I think that the way to come to know Him intimately is to spend time talking to Him, and reading what He wrote. We often try to find an easy way out of that, but honestly, I know that the more time I spend in the Bible, the closer and more in tune with Jesus I feel.

The main point of this post though is to talk about the roles of men versus the roles of women, biblically speaking. I know that we live in an 'enlightened' age where women are capable of doing all that men can, but I don't think that women are supposed to be the same as men. I think that God designed us to complement (not complete) each other. There is a lot of evidence for this to be found in the Bible, and most girls don't really seem to like what I have to say on this subject. In that case, I'd like to ask why God made man first, and said "It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper who is just right for him" (Gen 2:18). Right there, in the second chapter of Genesis, God laid out why he created woman. To help man and provide companionship. Also, if you've ever been to a really back-country wedding in the past fifty years, you've heard the passage on marriage from Ephesians 5:21-33...in case you haven't, I'll put it here for you :)

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the LORD. A husband is the head of his wife as Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives as Christ loved the church. He gave up His life for her, to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body, but feeds it and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of His body. As Scriptures say, a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Now I do not think that this constitutes grounds for a wife to never speak or point out her husband's sins, or for a husband to lord his authority over his wife. Both are subject ultimately to Christ's authority, and must love Him first.

But this idea does raise an interesting idea in the dating scene, which I've read quite a lot about lately...if this is the way that marriage is intended to be, should it apply to dating too? Do empowered Christian women have to wait for a guy to ask them out? No, but should they? Yes. Because to set an example of usurping a man's authority and leadership in dating, which is for the purpose of deciding whether you should get married, will only lead to a continual struggle for that power in marriage.

Go check out this series on Biblical Dating. http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001401.cfm It's from the same folks that wrote the Girl's Guide to Marrying Well.

What, you didn't have time to read that already? But...I have so much free time in summer! Which is a week away from over, but I'm pumped about that for once. Life starts back when school does, which brings lots of distractions, but also lots of opportunities to serve God and glorify Him.

Love God. Love people.

This is going to be a work in progress

2009-08-12T14:03:00.003-04:00

Well, I know what I forgot now!

My goal right now is to discover Christ. He knows me better than anyone else, but how well do I know Him? Along these lines, I want to make a running list of all the ways that He is characterized in the Bible. Somehow, I have a feeling that if I plan on marrying the right man, the traits that I'm looking for will be those listed in the Word.

The first verse I'm putting up here with that thought comes from the article that I recommended just a few minutes ago.
Each man will be like a shelter from the wind,
and a refuge from the storm,
like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land. Isaiah 32:1-4

What a fantastic man that sounds like! Someone to run to when the things of the world become too much, when Satan calls to me alluringly to take the 'easy' way out of a tough or trying situation. What a gift a husband like that will be, a gift that only God can and will bless me with. And He will, in His time, and His way, and when He knows that He is truly my first love.

Oh the funny stories

2009-08-12T13:34:00.003-04:00

First off, let me just admit this is a hard time. I'm really struggling to let go of my own will and plans and hopes and just turn it all over to God. To be honest, there are many moments where it just doesn't make sense to me. What I want is not contrary to God's teachings, but the place that I have given it in my heart is, and that's why I'm dealing with this now. My heart, my mind, and my soul all belong to the Lord. Period. I've tried to take them out of His loving hands though, and fit His will to mine. And so, almost Jonah-like, He has sent the very clear message that I need to turn around put Him back where He belongs in my life. I alternate between being excited about the plans He has in store for me, to frustrated as to why He won't just give me a little hint as to what it is, to angry at Him for taking away what I thought was "the one." However, the message that He is throwing at me right now is not to sulk and be angry, but to turn this into praise and a source of glory for His name. My verse for the day this morning was from Psalms, and came exactly at my first point of weakness for the day...tell me God doesn't exist, yeah right! You will show me the way of life, granting me the JOY of Your presence, and the pleasures of living with You forever. Psalm 16:11 That's right, His presence is to be a source of joy for me, and He WILL show me the way of life and give me a place to dwell with Him forever.

The other message that I am hearing over and over is "Be still, and know that I am GOD." I'm not sure that really made sense to me ever before, but as an amazing friend told me so beautifully last night, it basically means to shut it and listen! Stop listing your worries, letting the things of this world control your life, and just, listen. He is with you, every moment, you just need to be aware of it. He loves you, and He wants you to love Him with everything you have. He is your Best Friend, your Father, your Lover, and your completion.

Now, I'm still reading the C. S. Lewis compilation, which has so many great passages. Also, Desiring God's Will is in my bag and a book called Make Me Like Jesus (it had cool, clay-covered hands on the cover!). I'm working through those right now, and then a friend sent me a great article/booklet/pdf file this morning that I really like so far. It is short and really a cool design, so pass it on if you haven't already read it :) Here's the link to the high-quality pdf, so no excuses! http://www.boundless.org/girls/flashversion.html

There was something else, but I'm definitely a little scatter-brained right now. I've got lots of really uplifting, encouraging Christian music playing on repeat, and K-LOVE is totally earning all my business when I'm in the car. Definitely try making a God loves me playlist though, because His words in song are like those of your best friend, sitting there pumping you up and telling you how awesome and beautiful you are, and how much He has in store for your future.

The Cost of Discipleship

2009-08-11T22:36:00.002-04:00

"The ordinary idea which we all have before we become Christians is this. We take as a starting point our ordinary self with its various desires and interests. We then admit that something else - call it "morality" or "decent behavior" or "the good of society" - has claims on this self; claims which interfere with its own desires. What we mean by "being good" is giving in to those claims. Some of the things the ordinary self wanted to do turn out to be what we call "wrong": well, we must give them up. Other things, which the self did not want to do, turn out to be what we call "right": well, we shall have to do them. But we are hoping all the time that when all the demands have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, and some time to get on with its own life and do what it likes. IN fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them all right, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on. Because we are still taking our natural self as the starting point.

As long as we are thinking that way, one or other of two results is likely to follow. Either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy indeed. For, make no mistake: if you are really going to try to meet all the demands made on the natural self, it will not have enough left over to live on. THe more you obey your conscience, the more your conscience will demand of you. And your natural self, which is thus being starved and hampered and worried at every turn, will get angrier and angrier. In the end, you will either give up trying to be good, or else become one of those people who, as they say, "live for others" but always in a discontented, grumbling way -- always wondering why the others do not notice it more, and always making a martyr or yourself. And once you have become that you will be a far greater pest to anyone who has to live with you than you would have been if you had remained frankly selfish.

The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, "Give me ALL. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want YOU. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked -- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, Book IV Chapter 8

How do you give yourself up though? How do you let go of your desires, your gift of free will, your entire being and let Him decide it all?

To be honest, I'm not sure yet. I'm working on it. I read today that in each of us lives a 2 year old, with clenched fists, gritted eyes, and defiance blazing in his or her eyes. The explanation the author gave (not Lewis, umm, I can't actually remember which book it was now that I was skimming, I'll get back to you), was that it is around that age that we begin to develop the ability to make our own decisions and have our own will. Now to be honest, I'm a sucker for a cutiepie toddler, but would I dare cross one? Not a chance! I'm learning that inside of me, I have that same tough self that just won't bleach or Spray-n-Wash away, no matter how many cycles I put it through. It's occurring to me though, that the only detergent that is going to work and make the stain of my sin and my selfish heart stay gone is the continuous flow of the blood of Jesus. His love is so great and so merciful, that He continues to wash us clean no matter how many times we manage to go out and get grimy and dirt-covered in the great big world. What an awesome gift...and all He asks in return is for me to turn my eyes towards Him and accept His love and forgiveness.

Why is it so hard then to just let go?

Sheesh!

2009-08-06T18:24:00.006-04:00

Today has been a LONG week (yep, that's on purpose). And it's only Thursday! Granted, I'm quite thankful that it is Thursday finally, which means only one more day of work this week. For some reason lately, work has just really been grating on my nerves. I know that I do what I do to serve a purpose, and it makes me appreciate stay-at-home moms so much to have this glimpse into their lives, but sometimes I wonder what my purpose is there. Am I supposed to impress something upon the kids, and lead them to see Christ's love in everyday life? Or just supposed to teach them that you can let loose and have fun, even if you're old (yeah, to them, 19 is ancient)? Or is it patience, respect, and kindness towards others? Is it simply God's way of teaching me patience and perseverance? I wish I knew! That would be a nice comfort, but I guess that leads into the theme of being human and not really being able to grasp God's grand plan.

Well that wasn't actually my purpose in blogging today though, because I really wanted to share what the pastor talked about last week for those of you that may come across this and aren't Summit-goers (what! Hello, hitch a ride with me on Sunday...seriously). The wisdom of Proverbs series continues, and we are almost all the way through the book of Proverbs, for the first time at least. Then we get to do it again!

So the topic of the sermon was healing relationships, and I've recently had multiple conversations with some close friends about this, and actually been able to apply these principles to their lives and mine, which I find really cool :) So here are the reasons that JD came up with as to why relationships dissolve and how to fix them (and this isn't just romantic relationships either...what college student doesn't argue with their parents every so often?).

1. React slowly

Certain subjects with most of us cause us to just, shut down and abort all sense of morality completely. You want to talk about my grades Mom? How about you go back to college and balance all that our generation puts on their plates? Huh? ...Not quite the attitude that pleases and glorifies God right? And here's another thing, while I'm thinking ADD-style. Even if you think that it's just you and the person you're angry at that the conflict concerns, consider your friends that overhear your tone and your words. What if they aren't Christians, and you are one of their only ties to the Christian faith? What kind of example are you setting for them? Or the kid walking behind you on campus (I've been that girl!)?
So let's instate the 24-hr. rule. Wait 24 hours to send that nasty, cutting email that you wrote the minute you hung up the phone with your boyfriend. Reread at the end of the 24 hours...do you really still want to send something that hurtful that is full of angry emotion? Or has the conflict probably already been smoothed over? Also, if you wait 24 hours and you are still agitated about something, then hopefully you've had time to think about A. what's really bothering you and B. a kinder, more mature way to say it (most things sound better than "you're acting like a two year-old" when you've had time to think them over.

2. Resist superiority

Umm, hello, was this rule about ME? Whoops, my secret is out! When I "know" that I am right, then you'd have to take a space shuttle to reach the height that my ego has attained in .05 seconds. Often enough though, I turn out to be wrong in these situations...and then I have to beg for forgiveness and walk around like a toddler with a full diaper for a day or two.
The point that JD made here was that we are first the sinner and second the one sinned against. The story in the Bible goes like this...a poor man who had worked his life away to pay off his great debt was in court with the person he owed the money to. There was really no way the man was going to be able to pay back all that he was in debt for, and basically, he, his kids, his grandkids, and beyond, would be working to pay this massive loan off. He begged for forgiveness on his knees in front of the court, and the bank man, in a moment of sincerity, looked at him and simply said, "You know what, it's cool. I'm ripping up the paper that says you owe me this monstrous amount of money, just, go and be free, enjoy your life!" So obviously, the poor man was like, jumping for joy at this point. He goes outside to head home and tell his wife this fantastic news, and he sees a man on the street who he bought a Coke for last week. The guy doesn't have the money right that second to pay the poor man back for the Coke though, and the poor man drags the guy to court over his unpaid debt. Seems kind of silly right? So basically, even though Jesus has forgiven you for the million billion trillion dollars you owe him for you know, saving your life and giving you eternal salvation, you want to make your friend pay for that silly, offhanded comment she made about your new dress not being her favorite. Hmm...

3. Release liability

This is where you LET IT GO. Don't seek revenge. Don't go tell all your friends how horrible your other friend was. Just, let it be. An interesting perspective on the fishing-and-dishing technique that seems to be so popular with girls my age (you know, you fish to see why she's crying, then for all the 'juicy' details about the breakup, and then encourage her to dish to all the other girls, and any random person on the street that may know the person who wronged her); by going around and telling everyone about what he did to you that was soooo wrong, you're trying to degrade others' opinions of that person. Yeah, he may have been wrong when he went to dinner with that other girl, but by poisoning your friends' minds about him, you are spreading the sin like fertilizer. It's a personal matter, and hurting him by telling everyone so that they all think he's a horrible person is not what Jesus would do.

4. Reveal grace

Do not respond with malice or sarcasm (really??) and offer reconciliation. DO be honest with the person about how they have sinned, so that they might be able to recognize their behavior in the future and stop it. The honest words of a friend are sometimes uncomfortable at first, but if they aim to do good, then that is the mark of true friendship and love.

5. Remember mercy

All our sins have been forgiven. You and I have done nothing to earn this great gift of love. Remember this amazing fact and it makes it very hard to hold anything against someone, especially someone you love and are close to.

Okey dokey, that's all I've got for now. I was really impressed with this sermon personally, because I am definitely guilty of jumping to conclusions and acting out in anger, often with terrible consequences and lots of hurt feelings :(

YOU! God's Brand New Idea: Made to Be Amazing!

2009-08-04T21:22:00.002-04:00

To all the girls out there who struggle with their thighs, their hair, or their skin, here's the Word of the Lord.

"Everyone who is called by My Name, whom I created for my glory, whom I have formed, whom I have made." Isaiah 43:7

"It is God Himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus, and long ages ago He planned that we should spend these lives in helping others." Ephesians 2:10

The book is a great, light read by Max Lucade, but I really do think it's got a lot of depth to it beyond the shiny surface and brightly colored pages. We do all have a purpose here, and it is to serve and honor the Lord. He has given us the directions for this, and hopes that we will choose to love Him and serve Him.

However, how easy is it to fall into the traps of our culture? We are taught as females that we must be skinny and athletic, yet buxom in all the right places, and smart and submissive at the same time, even hardworking and successful without ever appearing to struggle with our daily obligations. Then, on top of all this, if we are believers, we are supposed to be examples of Christ's love and compassion and forgiveness, and are being compared to the other Christian girls our age who make it look so effortless. How on EARTH can we accomplish all this? It's no wonder I read stories of college students on Adderall or Ritalin, or living between cups of coffee and pitchers of beer. First of all, I'd like to say let's all take a step back. The first and most important goal of our life should be to serve God. According to Him and His Word, He even has a plan for us, individually (!), as to how to do this. He's given us each special and unique talents and characteristics that, though we may not see their usefulness now, will someday serve the purpose that God intended.

Sidenote: I'm assuming here that if you're following along with what I'm contemplating here, you're agreeing with the assertion that your ultimate purpose on earth is to honor and glorify God. Which, considering that He is the God of the universe, who loves you and took the time to plan out your life and all the minute details of you (that freckle, right there on your pinky finger, that looks slightly like California, yeah, that's God), and He also sent His Son to die so that you might live a blissful eternity in heaven, that seems like a small price to pay. At least, that's how I see it. Also, from what I've seen, those who give up their life to Christ and receive His love seem to find the most joy and satisfaction too...so I mean, it all makes sense now right?

Anyhow, I just wanted to put it out there that we need to spend less time focusing on the negatives, and more time figuring out what we can do, and doing it. If you allow yourself to get caught up in the minute details of life, like being upset by what size your pants are this year or making sure that your life is on track to pursue your second Ph.D., then I feel like you might miss out on the greatness of a life that just, is. Sometimes, it's nice to just sit down and have dinner with a fantastic, encouraging friend who pushes you to see the wonderful world that God has given to you to explore and enjoy. I'm saying all this because I know that it's definitely something I struggle with hugely. My biggest struggle has always been my weight, because it used to determine my self worth in my younger days. Now, even though I still have my lapses, I'm starting to see that things like that just don't matter. That's not to say that I'm going to have ice cream for breakfast every morning either, but that wouldn't be living in moderation or respecting the temple of our soul that God entrusted to us. I'm determined to see that I am more than a number, and to see that I have worth beyond what I could even have imagined for myself. God's plans for me are great, and each and every day I want to spend 19/20 (thanks Whitney!) of my day working on my inner beauty, the part that God values and appreciates most. He's already given us the outer beauty, but it's worthless unless the inner is shining right on through.

What's your inside looking like?

I am a horrible blogger...

2009-07-22T18:13:00.002-04:00

Well, so obviously I'm a life fail at blogging consistently, but the summer's been busy and exhausting and goodness gracious I'm almost glad that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! Okay, so faith wise...this has been an awesome two months. I'm learning that sometimes God has to hit me upside the head to get my attention, and also that regular time in the Word is a great way to discover God's will. Our pastor just started a series called "Still Standing: The Wisdom of Proverbs" and the church as a whole is going through the book of Proverbs along with the sermons. I really like this, because Proverbs is very practical, and emphasizes that all wisdom comes from God and that he is the infinite source of knowledge. Okay, so totally obvious, but definitely something to remember.

v. 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines your path in life." This is a verse that basically every teenage girl has heard as her parents have warned her about some boy that's come along and made her go weak at the knees. But I think that this wisdom applies beyond simply the lines of romantic love. We often give our hearts and energies to lots of things without realizing them, and then those are allowed to determine the decisions we make and the paths we take (a rhyme...look at my skills...not). If the thing you can't live without makes your decisions for you (be it money, marriage, or people's views of you), then that is what holds your heart, not God. *if a significant other asked you to move across the country for them, or someone offered you a great job with a super salary in South America, most of us would take the opportunity. However, if God calls us to serve Him, even on a short-term mission trip, we are often anxious to find an excuse that will get us out of it.* I'm completely guilty of this, and so it's a constant struggle for me to make sure that when I make a decision, I make it because it's what I feel is right in God's eyes, or that my motivation is to serve and glorify Him.

Two really important points that I've gathered (at least in my opinion) from my daily reading though come from Chapter 6 and 8.

-Chapter 6: There are seven things God detests - haughty eyes, a lying tongue, killing of the innocent, plotting evil, wrongdoing, giving false witness, and the person who sows discord in a family.

-Chapter 8: Four things God also hates - pride, arrogance, corruption and perverse speech. I also theorized about the reasons that He so detests these, and this is what I came up with.

Pride is detested because we have nothing to be prideful about. We do not own anything, even what goes on inside our heads, because we are beings created by God. So the sense of entitlement that leads to pride is like trying to usurp His authority and claim the rewards of something that was never ours.
Arrogance is along those same lines, and goes with some of the other stuff that's being said in Proverbs here. When we are arrogant, we are not humble servants, and we think that we have wisdom and knowledge. It's said here though that all wisdom and knowledge come from God.
Corruption is despised because it means that we are giving our heart to something besides the way of God. If we are corrupt, then we are attributing such value to that which we seek to achieve that we forsake our morals and our love for God and concern for others.
Perverse speech is one that I sometimes do not understand, but what I came to is that it is hated because it is rarely said out of love and is often involved in causing hurt to another. Even if the pain is unintentional, there is the risk, and that should be enough to encourage us to refrain from perverse speech.

Also, the sermon this Sunday was about following the path of God's will, and using the wisdom He gives us to ACT instead of waiting for Him to speak to us. As JD said, He has already spoken to us, that's why we read His Word...good point I thought.

Don't let your heart be timid, or idolatrous, lazy or passive. Live for Him, finding joy and love in your walk with the One who loves you truly and deeply.

It's Very Very Early

2009-05-27T06:10:00.002-04:00

Well, this morning I got awoken by a screaming puppy, and yes, unfortunately screaming is the word that aptly describes her morning greeting to the house, so I decided to do quiet time since I was up anyways. I'm reading John as a study this summer with one of my Bible study leaders, and I'm pumped. So John 1:1-9 today...

The first thing I notice most intensely about this passage it is repeated that Jesus is the light, who comes to offer life to the world. Also, what's really cool about this part of the message is that John repeats that Jesus is here to offer "light to everyone," which is an awesome part of salvation, at least to me. Anyone can accept it, no one is excluded from this beautiful gift that we've received. And God wanted everyone to know this beforehand, which is why he told the prophets of Jesus' coming early in the Old Testament, and sent John the Baptist to be the "best man" for the bridegroom.

So let us all be joyous that this is not an exclusive club, with a huge membership fee or complicated set of rules. It's simply to follow the Light, reject the darkness that tries to block Him out, and act in a way that pleases and glorifies His name.

Seems pretty easy right? Especially in return for the gift of true love and eternal life...Yep :)

A chicken with my head cut off

2009-05-05T20:55:00.002-04:00

For the record, that's what I am right now...though I'm basically done with exams, I just have a billion things to take care of before summer session starts next week...sheesh. However, I've been really tested in the patience department lately, and I cannot figure out why. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am surrounded by great friends and family and lots of wonderful things, but I just feel mundane sometimes. Hmm...guess it just happens.

However, today while I was at work (and getting incredibly frustrated by my little girl who wouldn't simply do her homework), I got a verse that said "Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from Him." -Psalm 127:3...which got me thinking about the children that aren't mine, because I have a lot of those seeing as a babysit and do nursery at a church on Sunday mornings, and sometimes I just absolutely get so confused as to why one won't cooperate or won't behave or whatever. Each child that is given to us is a true gift from God, as He intended for its conception, and provided for a safe pregnancy and birth (which is a miracle in itself), and even if they aren't ours, we need to all be part of the Christian community that raises these kids. We are their first earthly example of love and forgiveness and obedience and serving God and others with a willing heart. So when we get short-tempered with them, or don't fully appreciate what a wonder their existence is, what kind of example are we setting for their future?

This is definitely something I need to work on, as I obviously admitted above to being short in times that my patience runs away. But hopefully the discovery of this verse will help me as I sometimes stray from infinite love, compassion, and forgiveness. Because children truly are a gift and a beautiful blessing on their families and those around them.

Also, a thought that occurs to me also with this verse is the whole miracle of a life being created. In our "advanced" society, we are prone to manipulate the miracle of conception, and we are even able to take away that gift with medical procedures. If God so blesses you with a child, be it at the so-called right time or not, His timing is always perfect, and His plans are great, beyond our fathom. He will provide for whatever happens, and He gives us only what we can bear, so I feel that it is important to keep that in mind if ever the timing of a child, or even a life event, doesn't feel 'right' to you. Because God knows how much we can handle, and He also knows that sometimes He has to give us a larger burden than we think we can bear so that we will remember that we cannot do it on our own, and must always turn to Him for support and love and forgiveness.

Ps. puppies are cute :) Especially when your friends decide to bring one home...Yay Ellsey!!!

Flipping open the book

2009-04-27T22:06:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I just open my Bible and see where I want to go...which probably isn't the best way to read the Book, but I find some great stuff that way, so I'll keep it up on occasion just because. Last night before I went to sleep, I opened to John 14, mainly because it's the chapter that includes one of those verses everyone knows (14:6 "And Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me'.") I figured there had to be more to the chapter than that verse though, so I decided to read around it.

Chapter 14 opens with "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." I really love that, because it is so often my heart that leads what I do, and my brain seems to kind of get left behind. Here God clearly states though that, if we trust in Him and Christ, then we have no reason for our hearts to be disturbed or discomforted or worried or agitated (all definitions of troubled). At the end of the chapter, Jesus reiterates that He has given us the gift of peace of mind and of the heart. His love is so great for us that, as the time of His death comes near, He is comforting His disciples because He senses their worry about what will happen when He leaves.

Also, Jesus makes it very clear here that He is part of the Father, and the Father dwells in Him, which reiterates the point that we need to be close to Jesus to be close to God. Also, if we are acting in accordance with His will, then nothing is impossible, because we have the support of the Son and the Father...which is quite a bit of collateral on any limb we may decide to step out on.

In verses 23-24 Jesus equates love with obedience...which is definitely something that I struggle with. I don't always see why I have to do certain things in accordance with God's commandments, when the sinful way just seems, well, easier. I know that He gives us laws to abide by because in Him we find freedom, and His commandments are designed to protect us and keep us from doing evil. Sometimes I think it would be simpler to just go with the flow, and not stand for what Christ is and His commandments for us, and I'll definitely admit that I often fail to do so. However, it is when I go my own way or choose to disregard what I know is God's way that I end up in the biggest messes with hurt feelings and a bruised ego. If I acknowledge that it is only through God and with His help that I accomplish or gain anything in this life, then for some reason (shocker!), I seem to get things right a lot more.

...Chapter 15 tomorrow night. Gnite :)

And God said "Go marry a prostitute"

2009-04-26T01:49:00.002-04:00

The book of Hosea is great. Seriously, though, in verse two God tells Hosea that he is going to use him as an illustration of Israel's unfaithfulness, so he needs to go marry a prostitute...How Hosea must have felt when he received this command from God, I cannot even imagine. The story continues, as Hosea's wife (Gomer...oh these names lol) has two children with Hosea, but then is unfaithful to him and bears a second son illegitimately. Kind of like how we eventually turn away from God, even after He rescued us from a life of sin and shame. Then verse seven reiterates the point that it is through no effort of our own that we will be freed from our enemies/sin.

Another point that comes up in the first chapters is that we will never find true satisfaction in earthly things, even those that we or our society attribute the most value to. "She doesn't realize it as I who gave her everything she has - the grain, the new wine, the olive oil; I even gave her silver and gold. But she gave all my gifts to Baal." - Hosea 2:8 God gives us so much, every breath that we take, every chance encounter that brightens our days, every incident that tests our faith so that we grow closer to God and our loved ones...and yet, we don't give God the glory for all that He has done for us. How hurtful that must be for Him. He lavishes his love and forgiveness and compassion on us, even as we rebel against His wisdom and sacrifice and attempt to make our own way in the world. I know that it is so painful to pour all your love and effort into something and have it simply turn away, or even just not be all that you expect, and yet we do it to God every day.

The passage in chapter two has God punishing Israel/Hosea punishing Gomer by taking away all the glorious gifts she has been given and "strip her naked in public" (verse 10), exposing her shame. However, starting at verse 14, the Lord decides to forgive Israel and free her. As Hosea says, "I will win her back once again, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." (v 14) and (my personal fav) "I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion." (v 19). So Hosea takes his wife back, to show that God still loves Israel and will restore His love for her. The verses in the end of chapter two are such a beautiful song though, and were legitimately the first time I ever really thought of the Bible as God's love poem to us. I mean, Song of Songs is definitely a love story, but when we went through it in church last spring, I definitely was focusing more on how it governed relationships between man and woman, not seeing that how men and women relate to each other are like how Jesus and the church are. Also, the idea of submission to another's will, willingly and even joyfully, is still new to me. I definitely grew up with the mentality that I was going to make it in life, all on my own, and whoever tried to hold me down or tell me what to do was obviously trying to inhibit or limit me in some way. I've come to realize in a very recent growing pain (a good one) that we are given free will, but that God sets out guidelines so that we don't have to suffer pain...similar to the rule your mom has about not touching the hot stove. He gives us commandments to abide by because He loves us so much.

Also, the position I've come to embrace regarding women and men relating is totally different than the one I believed probably two years ago...but I've got nursery duty at church very, very early in the morning, so I'll save that for another day.

Be thankful for the blessings you have. And if you can't think of any, count each breath that you take in today, and tally them all as individual blessings. Aren't you such a blessed person???

All in Christ

2009-04-24T12:04:00.002-04:00

First off...Chris Tomlin is so cool. His songs always make me smile.

Second, thank goodness it's finally warm and sunny and gorgeous outside :) Even though the pollen is stillll killing me. I haven't been able to breathe or speak clearly for about, oh, three weeks now, but hey, it's sunny and I don't care!

Okay, so Ephesians 1 is the text of the moment. "Even before He made the world, God loved us" So cool. God knew us and loved us before He even created us. He also knew that we would come to disappoint Him and hurt Him by turning away from His love and grace and mercy, but He decided we were worth it anyways. Not because of anything we've done or will do, but because He is great and loving and kind.

Also, something that I picked out of this passage, and maybe because I was looking for it, was that the defining moment in our relationship with God was the point where we place our faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Seven times (by my account) in this chapter, Paul says that the great things that God has in store for us, and the reason He has chosen us is "because we are united with Christ" or we "trust in Christ" or because of our "strong faith in the Lord Jesus." There are a lot of people, including some Christians, that seem to think that just believing in God and being a good and loving person classify you as saved. I firmly believe however that it is faith in Christ as our Savior and the Son of God that saves us from our sins and the punishment we deserve...and I think this passage supports that. God sent His Son as a sacrifice, and we fail to acknowledge that fully, which I feel is kind of a disappointment to God. I mean, here He is, sending His only Son, who is pure and holy, to die and pay for our selfish and evil sins, and we treat it as if it's nothing.

Chapter 2

We were dead because we lived in sin, and now we are alive. I've never been dead, haven't even come close yet, but I feel like this is a definite moment to rejoice :) Paul is careful to remind those at Ephesus in this chapter that it is by God's mercy and love that they are saved though, and only through Him will they ever escape death. Paul reiterates his point a few times actually, and the NLT version says specifically "God saved you by His grace when you believed. You can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it" - Ephesians 2:8-9. That is an important message to remember, as I know that I sometimes fall victim to thinking that I am better than non-believers because I'm saved...but I didn't do anything to deserve the salvation I'm given, and instead of holding it out as a merit badge, what I need to be doing is making my life a song of worship to Him who gave me the freedom from my sins.

Okay, time to go grab a snack and head home for the afternoon...I might run outside later if I can muster the breath to do it...Or maybe I'll just walk around and bask in the light. There's a cool festival happening on campus later too, so lots of fun stuff to do today. Awesome!

Books to read

2009-04-24T00:32:00.002-04:00

Because this is what I do in the middle of the night when I get my second wind, I'm making a list of books in the Bible that people are recommending that I read...which is good, because I'm totally deficient in my knowledge of the complete text. And seeing how it's kind of God's rulebook for our lives, I need to get on the ball.

Ecclesiastes (still re-reading it)

Ephesians

Malachi (apparently it's about God's love for us is meant to be a close friendship, where He is an active loving father-figure, as opposed to the distant judge we often view Him as)

1 and 2 Colossians

Micah (I've read some verses/passages out of here...like Micah 6:8...The Lord has told you what is good. He has told you what he wants from you. Do what is right to others. Love being kind to others and live humbly, trusting your God...total fav verse there)

Joel

...and I'll add more obviously

Also, two passages that are catching my eye as I'm sifting through Ecclesiastes again tonight are the "Time for Everything" spill (Eccl. 3:1-11), you know, the one about there being a time for everything, and how "God has made everything beautiful for its own time." Which is so true. Though we are often the blind men surrounding the elephant (Oh, Christian analogies hahah), we have to realize that there is an elephant, and God can see him. His purpose for us is great, and as Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Sidenote: my favorite part about that verse, which is one of those standby verses I turn to when I'm freaking out about life, is that God says He has plans to prosper us. It's not up to us, and it never was. His plan will always trump ours, it will always be better, and it is because of His creation and love that we will grow and be safe from harm. We have hope in Him, and eternity because of Christ's sacrifice. What greater future can you imagine than eternity in heaven, with the God of the universe and the angels singing and just, one big party for God?

Also, please excuse my ADD...I know this was a completely incoherent post, and I'll definitely try and work on that in the future. For now, bedtime. And then a Spanish composition in the morning. Yay hahah!

You can't take it with you when you go...

2009-04-23T11:27:00.002-04:00

So I went into breakdown mode last night when I started thinking about just how great God is, and how blessed we are to have been created and given the gift of life, and the daily blessings that are so often taken for granted. The Lord is so great, and we are so small and insignificant, and it really just overwhelms me to think about how little I am in the grand scheme of things. However, God created each and every one of us (according to a statistic I saw the other day, over 125 billion humans have inhabited the earth so far) and every eyelash and freckle and birthmark are His design.

That's love. He loved us before we were born, before we stepped away from Him in sin, and after we rebelled against His love, He still stood by us and offered us entrance into heaven. The only thing we have to do is have faith in Him and His Word. Live life according to the principles that Jesus set out for us, the example that He was when He walked the earth.

I'm still trying to find a good way to actually read the Bible, because one of the things I need to work on within the context of my faith walk is my knowledge of the Word. However, I was reading the Message last night at a friend's house and ended up reading Ecclesiastes 5-12. I really like the way the Message words things sometimes, because it makes reading the Bible almost like reading a more modern story (even though the Bible is applicable and relevant today, the language alteration helps my understanding).

This was probably my favorite verse though, because it spoke to my anxiety about not being enough of a Christian to satisfy God's expectations for us... "Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life, this is indeed a gift from God. God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past." - Eccl. 5:18-20

Granted, this verse could definitely be taken to the extreme and made out to be God giving us permission to just revel in our ways and indulge our pleasures uncontrollably. However, as you read farther into the book, it seems to be referring more to the fact that we are blessed, and God does give us gifts so that we might enjoy them. We do however need to remember, as mentioned, that ours on earth is a short blip in time, and that we will have to answer for our choices in eternity.

So be thankful for the blessings that God gives you, and enjoy each moment that you have, acting in accordance with God's will for us and the world. We are all given our place for a reason, though it is often beyond our comprehension, He has a plan.

The Day of Reckoning?

2009-04-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the UL thinking...about what to do with my life, and why I feel like I'm wasting precious moments. God gave us all the gift of life, and the gift of eternal life and freedom from the punishment for our sins. And yet, instead of spending every waking moment praising Him and loving Him, we sit and we facebook or we watch television or just, waste the time He's given us. And it's starting to bother me that I do this. I want to know Him, and I want to serve Him, and I just can't figure out how. Where do I begin? I know that nothing I do will ever be sufficient, because I am only human, and I will falter in my resolve and I will be selfish with my time and my money and my gifts. And also, because He is God.

But that doesn't mean I can't try.

My plan is to start with one action a day. I'm going to do one thing a day that is solely for His glory, that is just about serving Him. By serving others, and displaying His love through those actions, we are serving Him and His purpose.

"Then he said to them, 'Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For he who is least among you all - he is the greatest'." - Luke 9:48